For nine months, I have looked at his tiny face in pictures, inspected every feature, prayed for his safety and well-being, braced myself for the changes of motherhood, and prepared our home for his arrival.
All the while, he has just been a baby.
Within hours of his birth, he awoke in the arms of his foster family--their eyes doting on his every smile and whimper, their smell penetrating his memory, their voices shaping his thoughts. They are all he has known, and and as far as he was concerned, this was HIS FAMILY.
I say that he had a difficult time with me those first few days, but that was an understatement. He felt the hole of their presence, and instead of seeing a familiar face, he saw me, a poor excuse for a substitute, a fake, a pretender.
There are times now when I hold him that he cranes his neck backward to see me, and I am terrified to admit that I can't read his thoughts--Does he even know me? Does he realize who I am to him?
But then I remember the rules of adoption:
He will love us because we first loved him.
This principal has a spiritual parallel. Since before time, God has loved me and desired to have a relationship with me, His creation. Even before I existed, He loved me. Even before I came to know Him, He loved me. And now, because He patiently waited and embraced me as His own, I LOVE HIM.
Brayden will know the great love his first family had for him, and I will tell him of the circumstances surrounding the decision his biological mother made, and, ultimately, he will experience the joy of family with us.
And I will wait...I will love him... I will pray for his present and his future... And when he turns to analyze my face, I will remember that he will someday love me, too.
2 comments:
Hi Sabrina,
We finally found you online!! This is Becky and Tamara from Panama City. We are the ones with the USB cable. HaHa!! We are so happy to hear that you all made it home okay and the adoption finalization went smoothly.
We were sorry we didn't get to say goodbye on our last day. Tamara was taking it really hard having to leave Dominic. The foster mother came at 10:10 and we had to leave for the airport at 10:30. It was a little crazy.
It certainly looks like Brayden is a happy boy now. And glad to read that things are getting better.
We are still waiting to hear more information regarding Dominic and the process. Tamara's paperwork is in foreign affairs and should be going to translation soon. We still have a long way to go but we are hopeful that things will move along smoothly.
Well, email if you have time. You can email Tamara at tlc2senior@aol.com or me at rjc979@aol.com.
Hope to hear from you.
-Becky
Oh Sabrina... this post has brought tears to my eyes. The love you have for Brayden just shines through and I pray that he finds comfort in your loving arms, you are his mommy... forever and ever !
God Bless-
Julie
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